so this is what it has come down to.
some meaningful hours, many less so.
some thrilling socialising and some tough love.
one Very creepy deja vu and some money, courtesy of taxpayers.
wasted time and useless shits, good for two things.
many realisations as to relative importance of people and matters.
many realisations about the world and its vices.
one heavy heart, and one confused brain.
many many wants and one huckleberry finn.
many kilometres travelled, and many glasses and bottles.
so many piano keys ringing, and the jargon of a language.
some banking, infrastructure built, sound optimised.
a night in the gardens, and four nasty bites.
preparations made, some undone. many hours of shows,
a few blissful nights, few more terrible ones.
a few night-morning adventures to remember.
many graphs, charts, indicators and reports.
many dollars on the line,
lots and lots of love for those around me.
its impossible to continue.
prying your brain for selected memories may trigger unwanted ones.
incoherently vomitted, this is my impression of how my time was spent
sometimes the things we know most of ourselves never exactly play out the way we want or expect.
id expect myself to stay indoors, but now im running out into the storm,
looking for an umbrella to shelter myself. sure. i run the risk of hurting myself out there, but i also reach my destination quicker.
we will Very often fail to see what can actually make us infinitely happier and more complete because we still harp on something from our past that once made us happy because staying there makes us feel stable because its a single element that doesnt change while our lives change so so rapidly. we believe we’ll be happy again, and of course there will be relief, comfort and joy when we think we do make peace with our past by a “conclusion” we now think we want, but its only a while before we realise that we’ve changed.
one day very far in the future, or sooner should we make it happen, our blinders will come off and we will regret all the lost opportunities we had to be much more comfortable than we can imagine right now, as we look back at our pasts from when we should be happy but arent..
in the meantime we’ll refuse the plaster for our wounds and sit in the rain waiting for an infection whilst looking at our past and imagine the fake happiness based on our false ideals, and not know how fake the happiness is, and how stupid our ideals are.
we think we’re young and have all the time to make mistakes, but we dont realise that some doors close early. the doors that would have led us to such a different place. some doors seem impossible to get through because of our false ideals and we fail to see our future selves smiling back from the other side and beckoning us over. when these doors close but the corridors of the doors we go into and the ones we should have gone into, but didnt, one day intersect, we will all regret our youths
all roads lead to rome, but which rome?